by Murphy Myers/Moreschi (adopted through the Old Dog Haven website)
We would like you to know that we senior dogs have already rolled out a number of wonderful programs to insure your health and happiness during the current pandemic. All of these can be instituted immediately, if not automatically, by any senior dog in your residence!
SNARF – Super Nasal Aroma Reduction of Food
This system, installed in every dog since the dawn of time, works remarkably well in keeping your floor clean of every scrap of food. Fully operational, even in blind dogs, it can find and remove food related particles to the atomic level. With larger canines it can be extended, with somewhat less human enthusiasm, to tables and counters.
LOUD – Large Outpouring for Unknown Dogs
This program alerts everyone to the sighting of unknown or previously undetected canines. This may involve barking, running around the house or both. Dogs know that you find this as incredibly important as we do. By the way, we often do this for unknown humans as well. However, if it’s a nice burglar and we’re feeling particularly sleepy we may just wag our tail and continue our nap.
HAH – Humorous Antics and Habits
You will have a hard time feeling down when you see us sleeping on our backs, chasing our tails, jumping in our beds, inhaling our food and other hilarious stunts. OK, maybe laying the slobbery tennis ball in your underwear did not go so well, but usually you laugh.
HERE – Humongous Emotional Response Effect
Nobody does a better greeting at the door than a dog. You just have to feel better when your dog says hello, wagging and wiggling in obvious delight to see you. We’re very skilled at this. If you think it’s easy just try asking your spouse to lick you in the face when you come home.
WEE – Walkie Induced Exercise
Dogs know that most humans, given the choice, will head straight for the couch and stay there. But when you have a dog, you have to take us out every four hours or so to do our “business”. Thus, like it or not, you will get the exercise your doctor is saying you need. Other than improved health, a slimmer waistline and the unexpected views of sunsets, meteors, flowers, and funny neighbors, there are other benefits. For instance you can lord your increased number of steps over your more sedentary friends.
EATT – Extraordinarily Accurate Tummy Timing
With this program you’ll never miss a meal, or more importantly, our meal, again. Our incredibly sensitive stomachs have bio timing programs accurate to the tenth of a second. When connected with a LWD (Loud Whining Device) you will be sure to remember it’s time to eat!
HEART – Happiness Inducing Active Response Training
It’s impossible to feel bad while you scratch between small furry ears. Or not to smile doing tummy tickles. Or feel comforted by a head in your lap. Live with us long enough and we’ll teach you in a thousand small ways to relax, lower your blood pressure and enjoy your life.
That’s it for now! Remember – we’re here for you whether it involves cleaning your coffee table with our tails, dishwasher pre-wash services or random barking behind your ear to keep you alert while driving. Enjoy your furry family and, like us, take time to literally smell the roses.
Licks and Wags,