(Written for Murphy (who has problems typing) by his human, Joe Myers)

As part of a species that studies human behavior very closely I thought I could be of some help in answering small social problems that you may be having. Here are answers to some questions that recently landed in my mailbox.

Dear Murphy,

No disrespect, but humans are mentally superior to dogs. Why should anyone ask a dog for advice?


Dear Brainy,

Like most humans you probably will get up today and work your tush off. I, on the other hand, plan to spend my time lying in sunbeams and eating free meals. You tell me who’s the smart one.

Dear Murphy,

What are the most popular dog names?


Dear curious, 

Here, from a quick poll of the neighborhood dogs, is a list of the top five dog names humans seem to prefer.

– Baddog

– Ohgrossdropit

– Shhh!

– Itsmyiddywiddyboogums

– Getouddadagarbage

Dear Murphy,

Why do some dogs drink out of the toilet?


Dear Surprised,

You provide a nice porcelain bowl, refresh the water multiple times during the day, put it at nice height and add an appealing scent. What else would we use it for? I just think you should have smaller ones so little dogs can use them. Curiously, men seem to endorse our drinking more than women as they’re usually the ones leaving the lid up for us.

Dear Murphy,

My young son gets food everywhere when he eats. How can I improve his table manners?


Dear Neat,

I don’t find anything particularly wrong with his table manners. In fact, I’ll be right over to help with the cleanup.

Dear Murphy,

I accidentally bought the wrong size barbecue cover and I can’t return it. Do you know how I can adjust the fit?

Not a Tailor

Dear Not a Tailor,

Grab a corner of the cover with your teeth, say “RRRR” real loud and shake your head violently. After a few minutes of this the cover WILL go over your barbecue. Your waterproof rating may suffer a bit though.

Dear Murphy,

What is contentment?


Dear Questing,

If you can start the day without caffeine

If you can resist complaining about your troubles

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful

If you understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time

If you can live without deceit

Then I would say you are content. You would also probably be the family dog.


Wags to all!




Print Friendly, PDF & Email